everytime i go out and talk to people i wanna bury myself deep underground and sleep for the next 15 years not unlike a cicada - archetypal autistic experience but i feel i do an awful disservice to my friends in my uncertainty and fear -
i keep thinking i've figured something out but i'm just so eternally frightened deer in the headlights, i wonder sometimes if it was easier when i was a teenager with the whole bpd lashing out and burning bridges schtick, instead of this awful emotional juggling routine of blindly gauging whats socially appropriate to share and whats traumadumping (a distinctly overused term) -
i feel bombarded with the concept of Speak Out If You Aren't Well but if everybody else feels the same, what qualifies as being unwell anymore ? if i don't have the capacity to help others in meaningful ways, why should i expect that others could extend that to me ? not to argue on the whole oppression/struggle olympics thing, but i do feel that i'd have to be on the brink of killing myself to comfortably reach out in anything louder than an occasion request to ramble (something that still feels like stepping on broken glass to do) -
i'm not as bad as i feel until i am, i am, but i can never remember until it's too late anyway