interesting looking through my old stuff today!! i really enjoy doing that, i wish i had every piece of writing/art i've made through my life!! it's good for trying to fill in the blanks of my memory, although it was a bit unpleasant finding things that i've just like, totally blanked on (like how badly i did in year seven lol) - it makes me wonder how much of my internal life story is factually incorrect? like, telling a lie so many times that i can't remember what the truth is (was) - i guess if there's no evidence otherwise, it's not explicitly harmful to believe the lie?
just strange thinking about how malleable memories are, how loose my reality can be once the moment has passed - i'm hoping starting these little journal/diary/rambling entries will help me have some sort of concrete mental record for the future, something i can look back on and go, This Is Distinctly And Explicitly How I Felt At This Time, a concept i feel i've been missing kinda forever ?
i feel like being 20 coming up on 21 is the start of my Real Life, (which i suppose is how adulthood works???), and i'm feeling like i'm finally working out of this awkward transitionary phase i've been in for a while - or perhaps your 20s are one long transitionary phase? i hope not, i'd like to get a better feeling of stability in my life in the coming years (and i'd like to not look back on that sentence with dramatic irony lol)
i feel like i'm far too self-aware of myself for my own mental wellbeing, a real key thread of my primary school era writing + art was the lack of internalised shame or embarrassment for what i was creating - there was no post-post-ironic awareness, monitoring for cultural perception, wariness of cliche (all said with the smallest amount of wankiness possible)- i really envy the genuine output i had, such a direct output of interest and passion in its own little isolated environment - whilst funnily enough so much of the thematic content is still heavily used in my current work, everything takes an eternal cycle of internal perception - prediction of external perception - argument against prediction of external perception - and so on and on, until i inevitably have to just make the fucking art and cop the tackiness as a byproduct to either cull, edit or accept - knowledge is a curse etc. etc. but i am eternally aware of the ocean that i do not know - to start to feel like i know anything just begets the wave engulfing me, encroaching (and invading) on my ego haha
"the more i learn, the less i know" - jesus or shakespeare or some shit